Travelling along a road in Yarmouth when the person driving went straight through a red light.
"Did you not notice that was red" I asked, slightly horrified
"Oh Yes" said the driver "But i always ignore that set, it's a stupid place to put traffice lights"
Wednesday 14 November 2007
Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Waste Pipe
On a mild(ish) day i stopped off along the coast for a few minutes to stretch my legs. It's always great to hear the sound of children playing, especially as in this case they were playing on the only part of the beach for miles that held a wide bore outlet pipe for field run-off. When i pointed this out to the parents they actually breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thanks for letting us know. We thought it was the end of a water slide.We've been looking for the start of the ride for 10 minutes"
"Thanks for letting us know. We thought it was the end of a water slide.We've been looking for the start of the ride for 10 minutes"
Tuesday 6 November 2007
A Sign O' The Times Part 2
I overheard a "grockle" (tourist) asking for directions in a petrol station. He wanted to get to Happisburgh.
"Can you tell me where Happisburgh is please"? Pronouncing it as it is spelt, "Happysburr"
The old yokel behind the desk replied, "Never heard of it. I've lived here all of my life and no clue where it is. You've been given the wrong name"
The slightly confused and disgruntled customer left and drove off, not surprisingly in the wrong direction.
"Why didn't you give him directions to Happisburgh"? I asked, pronouncing it "Hazebrough" as the locals do.
"Well if he can't read english, I'm not going to help him" came the predictable reply.
"Can you tell me where Happisburgh is please"? Pronouncing it as it is spelt, "Happysburr"
The old yokel behind the desk replied, "Never heard of it. I've lived here all of my life and no clue where it is. You've been given the wrong name"
The slightly confused and disgruntled customer left and drove off, not surprisingly in the wrong direction.
"Why didn't you give him directions to Happisburgh"? I asked, pronouncing it "Hazebrough" as the locals do.
"Well if he can't read english, I'm not going to help him" came the predictable reply.
Not A Nice Story ! Do Not Read If You Are Squeamish
Just to repeat the above warning, this is an illustration of what a debt collector can encounter, not a "humourous" story....
I went to a call in a village outside of Norwich. Easy enough to spot the address, in a street of manicured lawns there was only one that looked like a bomb site. Late evening and getting dark, only one room was lit...
Knock on the door was answered by a man leaning out of the lounge window, there was an unpleasent smell wafting out but that's something that can go with the job at times. I introduced myself and approached the window. The one bulb was only just bright enough to see my work sheet by, unfortunately it was also bright enough to see several piles of faeces - not just on the lounge floor but also along the window sill.The stench was amazing. This in itself isn't that unusual, there are a surpirsing number of people that live like this, not bothering to clear up after the cat or dog.
After a brief discussion over the debt (i wasn't hanging around) he wanted to see the paperwork better, so he came outside to have a better look. I noticed he'd left the front door open and warned him in case his dog ran out.
"It's ok mate" he replied "I haven't got any pets"!
The piles all over the floor were his. More worrying was the fact he must have been carefully balancing on the window sill, (facing towards the road) in order to go to the toilet.
As I said, not a nice story but i've included it just to show that the job isn't always a series of funny tales.
I went to a call in a village outside of Norwich. Easy enough to spot the address, in a street of manicured lawns there was only one that looked like a bomb site. Late evening and getting dark, only one room was lit...
Knock on the door was answered by a man leaning out of the lounge window, there was an unpleasent smell wafting out but that's something that can go with the job at times. I introduced myself and approached the window. The one bulb was only just bright enough to see my work sheet by, unfortunately it was also bright enough to see several piles of faeces - not just on the lounge floor but also along the window sill.The stench was amazing. This in itself isn't that unusual, there are a surpirsing number of people that live like this, not bothering to clear up after the cat or dog.
After a brief discussion over the debt (i wasn't hanging around) he wanted to see the paperwork better, so he came outside to have a better look. I noticed he'd left the front door open and warned him in case his dog ran out.
"It's ok mate" he replied "I haven't got any pets"!
The piles all over the floor were his. More worrying was the fact he must have been carefully balancing on the window sill, (facing towards the road) in order to go to the toilet.
As I said, not a nice story but i've included it just to show that the job isn't always a series of funny tales.
Monday 29 October 2007
Dictionary
Help would be appreciated here....
Over the years I've noticed a few words that I don't hear in other counties. I'm sure there's loads more and it'd be great to hear of them.
The first few I can remember are;
Pingle = To play with your food
Jiffle = Fidget, especially in bed
Chimbly = Chimney
Hod-a-nod = Snail (house on his head?)
Nobby = Clever, all about. (caused a few remarks when mentioned in front of my wife)
Gone Out = Mad, weird
I'll update this as i find more.
Over the years I've noticed a few words that I don't hear in other counties. I'm sure there's loads more and it'd be great to hear of them.
The first few I can remember are;
Pingle = To play with your food
Jiffle = Fidget, especially in bed
Chimbly = Chimney
Hod-a-nod = Snail (house on his head?)
Nobby = Clever, all about. (caused a few remarks when mentioned in front of my wife)
Gone Out = Mad, weird
I'll update this as i find more.
How To Train Your Fish
As I don't wish anyone to form the wrong opinion of the person involved here, so I'll let you guess the identity of the Hertfordshire born non-Norfolk person...
Had a 'phone call telling me about the way the new fish were jumping in and out of the water near a newly installed filter.
"They do that all the time" I said, "you can even train them to do it"
"Really"? replied the non- Norfolk person
"Oh yes. You can even buy a special jump for them. Start with just the one jump and add more, the fish will soon be using them for exercise."
"Where can I buy them"?
"Any good pond retailer. They're called Fish Hurdles and they're light weight jumps built on polystyrene so they float"
I was quite pleased I came up with the idea on the spot, and as far as I know the non-Norfolk person (NNP) is still looking for Fish Hurdles to train her Koi.
Had a 'phone call telling me about the way the new fish were jumping in and out of the water near a newly installed filter.
"They do that all the time" I said, "you can even train them to do it"
"Really"? replied the non- Norfolk person
"Oh yes. You can even buy a special jump for them. Start with just the one jump and add more, the fish will soon be using them for exercise."
"Where can I buy them"?
"Any good pond retailer. They're called Fish Hurdles and they're light weight jumps built on polystyrene so they float"
I was quite pleased I came up with the idea on the spot, and as far as I know the non-Norfolk person (NNP) is still looking for Fish Hurdles to train her Koi.
Monday 22 October 2007
Norfolk - A State Of Mind
My mum always maintains that she's not from Norfolk as she was born in Hertfordshie. Sorry mum, but if you grew up in Norfolk, all your family are from Norfolk and you've lived most of your life in the county then birthplace is an accident of geography.
And to prove it.
I moved to North Lincolnshire a few years ago (hence i can write this blog in safety).
On her visit my mum remarked that it was light a lot later into the evening than at home.
"Why do you think that is "i asked, expecting the answer to be because their garden had large conifors along the western edge.
"That's obvious" she replied, "You live further North than us, it's the Nothern Lights. The Aurora Borealis"
Spot on as usual there mum. Glad you're not from Norfolk, the answer might have been silly.
And to prove it.
I moved to North Lincolnshire a few years ago (hence i can write this blog in safety).
On her visit my mum remarked that it was light a lot later into the evening than at home.
"Why do you think that is "i asked, expecting the answer to be because their garden had large conifors along the western edge.
"That's obvious" she replied, "You live further North than us, it's the Nothern Lights. The Aurora Borealis"
Spot on as usual there mum. Glad you're not from Norfolk, the answer might have been silly.
My Future Wife - A Criminal
Went through the drive in burger place just outside of town. My future wife (a real "proper" Londoner) asked for her favourite milkshake... 1/2 chocolate and 1/2 strawberry.
As the words left her lips my heart sank. Didn't she realise this wasn't London????
We got to the counter, no surprise to me there was a lack of milkshake with the order.
"We couldn't do the milkshake. You have to have either chocolate or strawberry, not both" said the curger flinger in all seriousness.
Wife-to-be was incredulous.
"I've bought these all over London and the rest of the country..." etc. You can fill the rest of the sentence in yourself i'm sure.
"Well all those other places were breaking the law" says the now involved manager of the branch.
"Give one small shake of each and a big cup then please" Nice try, but...
"We can't do that either, you're going to mix them and it might be on the premises"
The reaction was everything you'd expect. Digging the biggest hole he could find the manager tried to explain
"It's weights and measures. You pay for chocolate, you get chocolate. You can't have anything else in the cup" Hole dug he decided to jump in,
"And by asking us to do it, you're a criminal as well".
We left. Quickly. With the wife-to-be still shouting as I wheel spun out of the car park.
As the words left her lips my heart sank. Didn't she realise this wasn't London????
We got to the counter, no surprise to me there was a lack of milkshake with the order.
"We couldn't do the milkshake. You have to have either chocolate or strawberry, not both" said the curger flinger in all seriousness.
Wife-to-be was incredulous.
"I've bought these all over London and the rest of the country..." etc. You can fill the rest of the sentence in yourself i'm sure.
"Well all those other places were breaking the law" says the now involved manager of the branch.
"Give one small shake of each and a big cup then please" Nice try, but...
"We can't do that either, you're going to mix them and it might be on the premises"
The reaction was everything you'd expect. Digging the biggest hole he could find the manager tried to explain
"It's weights and measures. You pay for chocolate, you get chocolate. You can't have anything else in the cup" Hole dug he decided to jump in,
"And by asking us to do it, you're a criminal as well".
We left. Quickly. With the wife-to-be still shouting as I wheel spun out of the car park.
These Shoes.... BOGOF?
My girlfriend and i went into Great Yarmouth for the day, not long after we'd started seeing each other. It was her first time in the area and for some bizarre reason i thought a day in town would impress her. DOH!!!!
Our first stop was at a well known and very large shoe retailer. A quick look around told her there was nothing suitable for her and we wondered towards the exit. As we did we passed a very excited man in his 20's holding a shoe obviously from the display. as he went to pay the assistant was heard to ask;
"Do you want the other half of that pair"?.
Anywhere else that would have been either insulting or just plain stupid. But not here.
"Oh, yes please" said the happy chappy.
Off trots the assistant, returning a moment later with an identical shoe. Totally identical. The same style, same size and in fact the same foot as well. On a shelf full except for 1 gap, she'd managed to pick up a left shoe to go with the left shoe in the customer's possession.
Fortunatley she noticed before her customer did. Unfortunately not before my girlfriend did, who started shaking with supressed giggles. As everyone does in this situation, we hung around pretending to look at shoes whilest we followed the rest of the conversation.
"Nearly gave you two left shoes then"
"That's ok, my feet are the same size"says the innocent prospective shoe owner,"Can i pay by card"
"Of course you can"
I've already written about the way credit cards are dealt with in Norfolk....
And true to form the customer handed over his plastic. And walked off. (Perhaps he'd filled with petrol at the same place i did??)
The sight of the slightly plump shop assistant chasing her customer out of the store holding a credit card shouting "you only sign a piece of paper, you don't leave your card here" was wonderful entertainment, particularly for my girlfriend, who was a born and bred Londoner.
Couldn't have been too bad for her though, I'm pleased and proud to say she's my wife now.
Our first stop was at a well known and very large shoe retailer. A quick look around told her there was nothing suitable for her and we wondered towards the exit. As we did we passed a very excited man in his 20's holding a shoe obviously from the display. as he went to pay the assistant was heard to ask;
"Do you want the other half of that pair"?.
Anywhere else that would have been either insulting or just plain stupid. But not here.
"Oh, yes please" said the happy chappy.
Off trots the assistant, returning a moment later with an identical shoe. Totally identical. The same style, same size and in fact the same foot as well. On a shelf full except for 1 gap, she'd managed to pick up a left shoe to go with the left shoe in the customer's possession.
Fortunatley she noticed before her customer did. Unfortunately not before my girlfriend did, who started shaking with supressed giggles. As everyone does in this situation, we hung around pretending to look at shoes whilest we followed the rest of the conversation.
"Nearly gave you two left shoes then"
"That's ok, my feet are the same size"says the innocent prospective shoe owner,"Can i pay by card"
"Of course you can"
I've already written about the way credit cards are dealt with in Norfolk....
And true to form the customer handed over his plastic. And walked off. (Perhaps he'd filled with petrol at the same place i did??)
The sight of the slightly plump shop assistant chasing her customer out of the store holding a credit card shouting "you only sign a piece of paper, you don't leave your card here" was wonderful entertainment, particularly for my girlfriend, who was a born and bred Londoner.
Couldn't have been too bad for her though, I'm pleased and proud to say she's my wife now.
Tuesday 16 October 2007
A Sign O' The Times
Travelling through mid-Norfolk, hopelessly lost. It's a warm, sunny day out in the counrtyside for me so for a while i wasn't too bothered. After an hour or so of trying to find this village that's on every signpost I was no longer enjoying things as much. No signs of life, no people to ask. Not even a rambler! Finally found a farm and pulled in. Met the farmer, who seemed so delighted to meet someone he wasn't related to I felt guilty for just wanting directions. I asked for the village anyway.
"That's not a village, it's a parish" came the amused reply.
"But it's on every signpost around here" I explained
"Ooooarrrrr" ,the farmer's laughing at me by now, "Well if you're going to go 'round believing signposts then you're bound to get lost"
Gave up on the visit.
"That's not a village, it's a parish" came the amused reply.
"But it's on every signpost around here" I explained
"Ooooarrrrr" ,the farmer's laughing at me by now, "Well if you're going to go 'round believing signposts then you're bound to get lost"
Gave up on the visit.
Payment In Kind
I'm sure we've all seen, or at least heard of, those "confessions of a ..." films from the 1970's. I have no idea if there was one for debt collectors but a question i get asked farily often is:
"Do you get offered payment in kind"? And in Norfolk the answer is a resounding "Yes". But this is Norfolk remember, I had a call in a rural location and went through the visit as normal. The customer explained that they had no money, but would i like ..... 5 Calves!
I'm not sure if this counts as the payment in kind that gets asked about, but it would have been hell trying to bank it.
"Do you get offered payment in kind"? And in Norfolk the answer is a resounding "Yes". But this is Norfolk remember, I had a call in a rural location and went through the visit as normal. The customer explained that they had no money, but would i like ..... 5 Calves!
I'm not sure if this counts as the payment in kind that gets asked about, but it would have been hell trying to bank it.
In For A Penny, In For ...Well 75p Actually
Walking past one of the many pound shops in Great Yarmouth there's a sign in the window. "SALE NOW ON" !
And on the subject...
I used to know a lot of the traders in Regent Road. This is the main thoroughfare from the market to the seafront and full of "novellty" shops and tourist stuff. One of my regular customers was next door to a pound shop (no, not the one with the sale). I was chatting away when all of a sudden there was s scream / shout from next door and the sound of things being thrown.
"Don't worry" says my customer, "It's him in the pound shop",
"At least once a day somebody asks the price of something in there and he's getting a bit tired of it"
I went back the following week, the pound shop was closed.
And on the subject...
I used to know a lot of the traders in Regent Road. This is the main thoroughfare from the market to the seafront and full of "novellty" shops and tourist stuff. One of my regular customers was next door to a pound shop (no, not the one with the sale). I was chatting away when all of a sudden there was s scream / shout from next door and the sound of things being thrown.
"Don't worry" says my customer, "It's him in the pound shop",
"At least once a day somebody asks the price of something in there and he's getting a bit tired of it"
I went back the following week, the pound shop was closed.
A Lonely Hotel, A Lonelier Debt Collector
On the coast road from Great Yarmouth heading North is a hotel ideally placed if you're desperate for a hot drink and a wee on a cold day. I can't remember the name of the hotel and i'm sure things have improved since i called there (?). To paint a bit of background detail, imagine a grey sky and grey sea. It's mid winter and dark outside. A biting North East wind blowing straight from Sibera and no land mass in between to warm it. The coffee you drank for breakfast is begging to be released and fear of frostbite somewhere important is preventing just hopping behind a bush. This is the kind of situation where you take a chance or two that you normally wouldn't...
So I pull into the deserted car park of this hotel. A sign in the window says open all day for meals and drinks - don't stop to wonder why the car park is sooo deserted, just get in the warmth and order a drink so you can use the loo. As I pushed though the front door i was welcomed by two things. The first was an impression of emptiness, the second was that damp, musky smell that you sometimes find in antique shops. A bell on the desk suggested I rang for attention, which i duely did. I was answered by silence. Finally a middle aged woman wandered from a darkened room off to my left.
"Would you like a room"? Her voice had an odd edge to it
"No thanks, just a drink"
Without another word she went back into the darkend room and held the door open for me to follow. As we go through the door it becomes apparent this is the hotel lounge and bar. A shuffling from the other side of the room tells me my hostess has wandered off.A glow of a dim bulb tells me she's switched on the bar lights.
"Just a coffee please"
"Are you sure you don't want a room"
"Just the coffee will be fine thanks"
A black lump is shovelled into a cup and placed in front of me. After the excitement of such a warm welcome my bladder decides to remind me of why i'm here.
"Where's your loo please"?
The first smile almost creases her lips. "Follow me"
Now at this point anyone should be hearing alarm bells ringing. A debt collector should be vibrating with internal warnings, but when you've gotta go - you've gotta go.
I followed her trough the back of the lounge, only just visible with the light from the bar. As we got to the door she switched a light on, illuminating a long corridor and off we went. Still in total silence. At the end of this corridor she stopped, switched on a light that lit another, equally long corridor and turned the light off from the one we'd just come down.
Another two corridors and another two light switches and we were stood outside the gent's.
"how do i get back"? i felt i had to ask.
"I'll wait for you"
I'm now stood in a freezing cold Gent's toilet, in the smelliest, most deserted hotel in the world with a woman waiting outside that's obviously several sticks short of a bundle. This isn't the most condusive atmosphere to urinating. After a couple of minutes my hostess actually knocked at the door to ask if i was ok. THAT helps to speed up the process. Blind panic will do that.
Business completed we walked back, turning lights on and off as we went until the relative safety of the bar appeared. The coffee was ignored as i made my escape (at this point that's what it felt like), and as i wheel spun out of the car park i couldn't help wondering... what would have happened if i'd taken a room?
So I pull into the deserted car park of this hotel. A sign in the window says open all day for meals and drinks - don't stop to wonder why the car park is sooo deserted, just get in the warmth and order a drink so you can use the loo. As I pushed though the front door i was welcomed by two things. The first was an impression of emptiness, the second was that damp, musky smell that you sometimes find in antique shops. A bell on the desk suggested I rang for attention, which i duely did. I was answered by silence. Finally a middle aged woman wandered from a darkened room off to my left.
"Would you like a room"? Her voice had an odd edge to it
"No thanks, just a drink"
Without another word she went back into the darkend room and held the door open for me to follow. As we go through the door it becomes apparent this is the hotel lounge and bar. A shuffling from the other side of the room tells me my hostess has wandered off.A glow of a dim bulb tells me she's switched on the bar lights.
"Just a coffee please"
"Are you sure you don't want a room"
"Just the coffee will be fine thanks"
A black lump is shovelled into a cup and placed in front of me. After the excitement of such a warm welcome my bladder decides to remind me of why i'm here.
"Where's your loo please"?
The first smile almost creases her lips. "Follow me"
Now at this point anyone should be hearing alarm bells ringing. A debt collector should be vibrating with internal warnings, but when you've gotta go - you've gotta go.
I followed her trough the back of the lounge, only just visible with the light from the bar. As we got to the door she switched a light on, illuminating a long corridor and off we went. Still in total silence. At the end of this corridor she stopped, switched on a light that lit another, equally long corridor and turned the light off from the one we'd just come down.
Another two corridors and another two light switches and we were stood outside the gent's.
"how do i get back"? i felt i had to ask.
"I'll wait for you"
I'm now stood in a freezing cold Gent's toilet, in the smelliest, most deserted hotel in the world with a woman waiting outside that's obviously several sticks short of a bundle. This isn't the most condusive atmosphere to urinating. After a couple of minutes my hostess actually knocked at the door to ask if i was ok. THAT helps to speed up the process. Blind panic will do that.
Business completed we walked back, turning lights on and off as we went until the relative safety of the bar appeared. The coffee was ignored as i made my escape (at this point that's what it felt like), and as i wheel spun out of the car park i couldn't help wondering... what would have happened if i'd taken a room?
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